i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
