they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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