seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
