well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
