y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
