my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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