New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
