Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Randomize
