i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
