Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
