Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
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