I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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