Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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