the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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