Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
