i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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