So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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