Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
