i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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