my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
