There is no way he is gay with that hair.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
