Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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