We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
