Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
you have to choose: penises or morals?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
