i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
