Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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