apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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