i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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