i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
