I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
