If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Randomize
