in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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