im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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