what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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