My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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