dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
