My underwear smells like fireworks.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Randomize
