I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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