Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
