Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
