We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
