Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
