Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Farmville is her only friend.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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