so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
