just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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