My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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