Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
