Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
