just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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