shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
