can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
