If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
