I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
