Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
